Pre-Op Appointment

Just got back from our pre-op appointment for DJ's MRI tomorrow. I talked to his regular doctor about his recent diagnosis of Optic Nerve Aplasia and asked him if there was any chance the condition could improve or be treated with growth hormones and he answered me with a resounding NO. I knew better than to expect anything different but I guess in the back of my mind I held out hope. He was the man who literally saved DJ's life when he was less than a month old...surely he could "cure" his vision.

I knew better though. God damnit I knew better. I knew the answer would be no. I KNOW that the medical community would have to come through with some major medical advances before the possibility of DJ regaining some of his vision were possible. But I HOPED. And then I cried.

That a little baby I cried in front of my kids, in front of the doctor...like a baby. I felt like I had been sucker punched in the stomach all over again. The complete and utter devastation was there all over again.

The doctor hugged me. Assured me that it wasn't my fault or DJ's fault. That nothing could have prevented it. I guess he saw through me and saw the guilt I carry around because I wonder if it is my fault. I mean I had no IDEA I was pregnant with DJ until I was almost into my second trimester. I continued on living like a lot of 21 year olds...party party party. What IF it's because I was so fucking stupid that he is legally blind. The what if's could swallow me up and spit me out I think.

So today is a hard day. Not as hard as the day we initially found out but still hard because somewhere deep in me I held out hope that the doc that provided a miracle for us once before would deliver one yet again.

I'm going to get busy cleaning my house and keeping my mind off this for now. Tomorrow we go for an MRI and then after that we see an endocrinologist. Fun Stuff!